Writers Crock

 Writers Block Crock
Writers Crock

I have been avoiding writing for weeks now. I have thought about writing a piece about my first battle with writers block but have not done so since I know it is a crock, a total crock. I have no doubt if I sit in front of the computer and open Word, I will write and plenty. Not just small whispers about what I did in my day and my thoughts about swine flu, my recent challenges with my first cold in summer since childhood, my back pains or my intimate friend who just left Korea and how I am torn apart about this. No, I have lots to say. In fact that is why I do not write these days. I do not want anyone to hear what is in my head, especially me!

There is no blockage of any kind, just good old-fashioned resistance and avoidance.  I do not understand how any artist could ever be ‘blocked’.  My head is always active and full if I am willing to sift through the layers of resistance, denial, avoidance, need for stimulation, fear and lack of willingness to go deeper. I am not saying that artists that claim to be experiencing blocks are lying, I am saying that this artist can not imagine any point when I do not have enough going on in my head to fill a page with words, brush strokes or ink. I have no doubt if I was kept in a square white room with nothing on the walls, nothing to do, see or hear except what is in my head, at the end of the day if I was willing I could write fifty pages. If I include a day filled with teaching Korean children English, several emails from friends, an episode of Criminal Minds, three meals, a walk on the mountain, hundreds of women within my visual proximity and meditation- the amount of words that can fill a page must be endless. But, I have written next to nothing this past month.

Therefore, writers crock. I do not want either of us to know what I am experiencing. If I let us know, I might have to either actually feel it or do something about it. I am not prepared to do either at the moment, so why torture myself with the reality of Truth?  Why admit how crushed I am at the feelings of rejection I have experienced in the last month? What good will reflecting on the mental list of things to achieve while in Korea for a year that I have ducked and dodged for eleven months?  How will accepting that my spiritual focus and commitment are a far cry from when I landed here, forget what I have signed up to do, make this change?  Where is the courage needed for the next series of great leaps in my life magically going to come from if I let those always present but hidden fears rise to the surface so I can see and fell them directly?  Who can I blame for my lack of success if I take the time to let the words fill a page with the genuine thoughts that fill this mind and heart?  When will I allow myself to move forward and stop playing games with myself and all those that come in contact with me if I allow me to really let go, really, no I mean really?

Crock #2: the old adage; “If nothing changes, nothing changes”
If nothing changes, everything changes! Opportunity after opportunity slip by while casually watching TV, eating junk food, not asking that woman on a date, accepting mediocrity instead of greatness and fooling ourselves into believing we are doing the best we can. Everything changes and not for the better. I am not doing the best I can, not even close. Yes, I know I am ruthlessly self-critical. Agreed, no argument here.  That does not mean that telling myself that I am doing the best that I can is the Truth! I can do better, much better. You all deserve better from me. I deserve better from and for me.
PSST! Secret: We deserve better from you too.

If I have learned anything from the significant number of deaths in my family is this; we rarely know when our time is done- GET BUSY DOING WHAT WE NEED TO BE DOING! We do not get to replay this round.  Fear is not an adequate reason to not be great. Numbness is not the solution.  Blockage is a crock.  And love is always worth the effort.