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July 2009 
Like a Korean Virgin
Posted on Jan 9th, 2009
by 
michaelsits
michaelsits
Like a Korean Virgin
I am sitting at my MacBook listening to the Buddhist Television Network in the background with volume at #1 about to dive into an area that baffles. Being baffled is not a new or unexpected state for me, just one that well, baffles me.
As I have begun to form friendships and relationships here in Korea, an added benefit is direct sources of information that I would not be able to access otherwise. This reflection comes from one of those opportunities. My ‘informant’, who will remain nameless for obvious reasons, has no reason to lie or distort the truth. She is trying to help me understand her culture as best she can. I am grateful for her trust, respect and willingness to aid me in my continual process of learning. These days, the ‘textbook’ I am studying is about male-female relationships, sex, gender roles, norms and expectations. I say ‘these days’ to make myself feel like it will someday be something different.
Today I had the pleasure of penetrating the topic of virginity and sexual activity in Korea. I was flat out bowled over by what seemed obvious to my informant but oblivious to me. I appreciate her patience in this department since it took several restating of questions and answers to make certain I heard, understood and swallowed the information correctly. I also need to add that any conversation that includes sex, virginity and prostitution as its main focal points will both maintain and distract me continuously.
“So, I have been thinking about what you said yesterday about the whole women leaving the door open or not be allowed in a man’s room or apartment thing. It really has caught my attention since it is so far removed from American culture and norms. My question is; if men and women are not allowed to be in a room together alone before marriage then do they not have sex?”
“No, they don’t.”
“They’re virgins till marriage?”
“Yes. Most Koreans do not have sex before marriage.”
“Both men and women?”
“Yes. But more women are virgins than men.”
“How is that possible? Don’t the men have sex with women to not be virgins?”
“You know how in Korea all men have to serve in the military?” I nod my head. “Their senior and junior officers take them to get sex for pay. It is a regular part of what happens when boys go to the military. Many say they have not done it but we all know they have.”
“So prostitution is how most boys lose the virginity?”
“Yes. It is very normal in Korea. Most girls do not have sex before marriage. If they get married and the girl has already had sex with a man, they will get separated immediately.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Most men will not marry a women who is not a virgin.”
“Really?” For a guy who talks as much as I do, my vocabulary as an English teacher was becoming very limited to just one word; Really? “It is like Muslim culture?”
“Michael, it is Korean culture.” I am beginning to find out that the answer to anything that Koreans feel insecure or embarrassed about is; “It is Korean culture”.
I was about to say ‘Really?’ one more time but thought about it and tried some new words. “So you are telling me that women that are between 25-35 years old and not married are virgins?”
“Yes. It is very normal in Korea.”
“And boys that do not have sex with a prostitute in the military are also virgins till marriage?”
“Yes but many of them lie about it.”
“What percentage of high school students has sex before college?”
“High school students having sex?” She is now the one who is sounding like I was speaking a foreign language(OK, so I am, but you know what I mean!) . It was like she did not understand the question or it was a quantum physics equation.
“Yes. In America, it is very common for high school students to have sex before they graduate high school. In fact, most of them have more sexual partners in high school than I have had in my whole life.”
“Really?” See what a good English teacher I am? In a matter of minutes I have Koreans mimicking my phrases like natives.
“Yes. It is one of the reasons me and some of my friends that work with youth for a living do not want to work in high schools any more. The girls are too aggressive and we get accused of things that didn’t even happen.”
“Do you lose your jobs if that happens? If a teacher or counselor has sex with a high school girl, who gets fired?”
“The man! He loses his job, never can work with youth again and usually goes to jail for many years, sometimes even twenty-five years.”
“Really?”
“Yes. In 1997 I was accused of trying to have sex with a high school girl that was in a program I used to coordinate and I almost was arrested and prosecuted and I never even touched her beyond the way I would touch any boy or girl.”
“Really? So you can’t be a counselor any more in America?”
“I can. There was a lot of support for me and things were sort-of resolved without any legal or professional consequences but I resigned from my job because all the girls thought I was some kind of a sexual molester and I knew I could not do my job effectively any more. It was more about rumors and gossip than legal or professional. Girls were afraid to be alone with me after that.”
“Did you ever talk with her about it?”
“Yes. She said she did it because she didn’t want to be on the camping trip any more and thought by accusing me of trying to have sex with her, we would go home. Unfortunately for her, that did not happen and I almost lost my freedom and went to jail. I asked her about three years later when hired by the University of Cincinnati to conduct research on the effectiveness of the program. She said she didn’t even remember the situation. It meant that little to her.”
“You are lucky michael.”
“It didn’t feel that way at the time though. So this doesn't happen here in Korea?”
“No.”
“Out of 100 kids in high school, how many have had sex?”
“They don’t.”
“Less than ten percent”
“Yes, maybe.”
“And of adult women, how many do you think are still virgins before marriage? More then fifty percent?”
“Yes.”
“More than seventy percent?”
“I do not know exactly but more are virgins than not.”
“So a couple together for several years not married would never have been alone with a door closed or had sex?”
“Yes it is very normal in Korea.”
“Is this true for Japan and China too?” I asked this as a way to validate her statements and just in case what I had heard was completely untrue.
“No, just Korea.” She laughs for the first time. I am not sure if it was because she thought it was funny or she felt uncomfortable.
“I didn’t think so but figured I would ask.”
At this point, we both had to go. I was experiencing many different emotions including confusion, bewilderment, surprise, disappointment, erotic thoughts about having sex with a gorgeous thirty year old Korean virgin and a pinch of anger. I was bothered by all this- what it says about Korean culture, American culture, men, women, social norms and programming, and just plain old judgmental thoughts in my head.
It is now past midnight and this has taken up a large chunk of my mental process the rest of the day today. I was looking forward for the opportunity to write about this to get it out and have a chance to process it. I do not think it has achieved what I had hoped for. I still feel confused, disturbed and turned on by the fantasies in my head of these hot, adult Korean women in high heels, very short skirts that are virgins, real virgins. It is not necessarily a healthy set of emotions but the ones that I am experiencing at the moment. Tomorrow that may change, maybe not.
I can’t help but wonder who is the oppressed culture; Korean or American? At first glance through American lens, it appears that the Koreans, especially women are the oppressed people in these cultural, sexual norms. But I am flinching to say that I am sold on that to be true. The idea of not having any sexual pressure or expectations seems somehow very liberating and freeing for both men and women. If you already know you are not going to have sex with someone before marriage, it really clears so many things up right then and there. What freedom we would experience to be able to love and learn about each other with sex not even a concern now or the immediate future. Not even a discussion topic, nothing, nada, zilch. A complete non-factor in a relationship. Friendship and companion really are why you are together, not just what we say to cover up what we may be truly experiencing inside but playing the waiting game to appear evolved.
Who are the oppressed and who are the free? The virgins or the double-digit sex partners?
Either way, my Korean education continues. As a side note, I am starting to learn some basic Hangeul and it feels good!
I am sitting at my MacBook listening to the Buddhist Television Network in the background with volume at #1 about to dive into an area that baffles. Being baffled is not a new or unexpected state for me, just one that well, baffles me.
As I have begun to form friendships and relationships here in Korea, an added benefit is direct sources of information that I would not be able to access otherwise. This reflection comes from one of those opportunities. My ‘informant’, who will remain nameless for obvious reasons, has no reason to lie or distort the truth. She is trying to help me understand her culture as best she can. I am grateful for her trust, respect and willingness to aid me in my continual process of learning. These days, the ‘textbook’ I am studying is about male-female relationships, sex, gender roles, norms and expectations. I say ‘these days’ to make myself feel like it will someday be something different.
Today I had the pleasure of penetrating the topic of virginity and sexual activity in Korea. I was flat out bowled over by what seemed obvious to my informant but oblivious to me. I appreciate her patience in this department since it took several restating of questions and answers to make certain I heard, understood and swallowed the information correctly. I also need to add that any conversation that includes sex, virginity and prostitution as its main focal points will both maintain and distract me continuously.
“So, I have been thinking about what you said yesterday about the whole women leaving the door open or not be allowed in a man’s room or apartment thing. It really has caught my attention since it is so far removed from American culture and norms. My question is; if men and women are not allowed to be in a room together alone before marriage then do they not have sex?”
“No, they don’t.”
“They’re virgins till marriage?”
“Yes. Most Koreans do not have sex before marriage.”
“Both men and women?”
“Yes. But more women are virgins than men.”
“How is that possible? Don’t the men have sex with women to not be virgins?”
“You know how in Korea all men have to serve in the military?” I nod my head. “Their senior and junior officers take them to get sex for pay. It is a regular part of what happens when boys go to the military. Many say they have not done it but we all know they have.”
“So prostitution is how most boys lose the virginity?”
“Yes. It is very normal in Korea. Most girls do not have sex before marriage. If they get married and the girl has already had sex with a man, they will get separated immediately.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Most men will not marry a women who is not a virgin.”
“Really?” For a guy who talks as much as I do, my vocabulary as an English teacher was becoming very limited to just one word; Really? “It is like Muslim culture?”
“Michael, it is Korean culture.” I am beginning to find out that the answer to anything that Koreans feel insecure or embarrassed about is; “It is Korean culture”.
I was about to say ‘Really?’ one more time but thought about it and tried some new words. “So you are telling me that women that are between 25-35 years old and not married are virgins?”
“Yes. It is very normal in Korea.”
“And boys that do not have sex with a prostitute in the military are also virgins till marriage?”
“Yes but many of them lie about it.”
“What percentage of high school students has sex before college?”
“High school students having sex?” She is now the one who is sounding like I was speaking a foreign language(OK, so I am, but you know what I mean!) . It was like she did not understand the question or it was a quantum physics equation.
“Yes. In America, it is very common for high school students to have sex before they graduate high school. In fact, most of them have more sexual partners in high school than I have had in my whole life.”
“Really?” See what a good English teacher I am? In a matter of minutes I have Koreans mimicking my phrases like natives.
“Yes. It is one of the reasons me and some of my friends that work with youth for a living do not want to work in high schools any more. The girls are too aggressive and we get accused of things that didn’t even happen.”
“Do you lose your jobs if that happens? If a teacher or counselor has sex with a high school girl, who gets fired?”
“The man! He loses his job, never can work with youth again and usually goes to jail for many years, sometimes even twenty-five years.”
“Really?”
“Yes. In 1997 I was accused of trying to have sex with a high school girl that was in a program I used to coordinate and I almost was arrested and prosecuted and I never even touched her beyond the way I would touch any boy or girl.”
“Really? So you can’t be a counselor any more in America?”
“I can. There was a lot of support for me and things were sort-of resolved without any legal or professional consequences but I resigned from my job because all the girls thought I was some kind of a sexual molester and I knew I could not do my job effectively any more. It was more about rumors and gossip than legal or professional. Girls were afraid to be alone with me after that.”
“Did you ever talk with her about it?”
“Yes. She said she did it because she didn’t want to be on the camping trip any more and thought by accusing me of trying to have sex with her, we would go home. Unfortunately for her, that did not happen and I almost lost my freedom and went to jail. I asked her about three years later when hired by the University of Cincinnati to conduct research on the effectiveness of the program. She said she didn’t even remember the situation. It meant that little to her.”
“You are lucky michael.”
“It didn’t feel that way at the time though. So this doesn't happen here in Korea?”
“No.”
“Out of 100 kids in high school, how many have had sex?”
“They don’t.”
“Less than ten percent”
“Yes, maybe.”
“And of adult women, how many do you think are still virgins before marriage? More then fifty percent?”
“Yes.”
“More than seventy percent?”
“I do not know exactly but more are virgins than not.”
“So a couple together for several years not married would never have been alone with a door closed or had sex?”
“Yes it is very normal in Korea.”
“Is this true for Japan and China too?” I asked this as a way to validate her statements and just in case what I had heard was completely untrue.
“No, just Korea.” She laughs for the first time. I am not sure if it was because she thought it was funny or she felt uncomfortable.
“I didn’t think so but figured I would ask.”
At this point, we both had to go. I was experiencing many different emotions including confusion, bewilderment, surprise, disappointment, erotic thoughts about having sex with a gorgeous thirty year old Korean virgin and a pinch of anger. I was bothered by all this- what it says about Korean culture, American culture, men, women, social norms and programming, and just plain old judgmental thoughts in my head.
It is now past midnight and this has taken up a large chunk of my mental process the rest of the day today. I was looking forward for the opportunity to write about this to get it out and have a chance to process it. I do not think it has achieved what I had hoped for. I still feel confused, disturbed and turned on by the fantasies in my head of these hot, adult Korean women in high heels, very short skirts that are virgins, real virgins. It is not necessarily a healthy set of emotions but the ones that I am experiencing at the moment. Tomorrow that may change, maybe not.
I can’t help but wonder who is the oppressed culture; Korean or American? At first glance through American lens, it appears that the Koreans, especially women are the oppressed people in these cultural, sexual norms. But I am flinching to say that I am sold on that to be true. The idea of not having any sexual pressure or expectations seems somehow very liberating and freeing for both men and women. If you already know you are not going to have sex with someone before marriage, it really clears so many things up right then and there. What freedom we would experience to be able to love and learn about each other with sex not even a concern now or the immediate future. Not even a discussion topic, nothing, nada, zilch. A complete non-factor in a relationship. Friendship and companion really are why you are together, not just what we say to cover up what we may be truly experiencing inside but playing the waiting game to appear evolved.
Who are the oppressed and who are the free? The virgins or the double-digit sex partners?
Either way, my Korean education continues. As a side note, I am starting to learn some basic Hangeul and it feels good!
Access: PublicTagged with: life, culture, korea, sex, social programming, men, women, reflection, dating, relationships
Michael, I’ve been doing some reading on the net, and I’m afraid the studies that are being done right now don’t corroborate your friend’s perceptions, which were probably very accurate thirty or more years ago.
A few links: Why Korean Girls Don’t Say No: Contraception Commercials, Condom Use and Double Standards in South Korea
“not only did over half of Korean 18-30 year-olds report having had sex
before marriage (albeit with large differences between the sexes, as
I’ll discuss), but even recent celebrities’ bulging waistlines at weddings are not creating the scandal that they used to”
Korea Beat › 67% of Korean Women Have Had Sex
Perceptions of peer sexual activities in Korean adolescents
(older and very lengthy article, but fills in a lot).
There seems to be a growing conflict between societal mores and people’s actual behaviors.
There are a number of things that I found very disturbing in reading, including
- sexual aggression against women seems much more “excused” and rarely reported
- very little sex ed or proper use of contraceptives, growing STD problem
- “hymen reconstruction” frequently done even if the hymen was broken without coitus.
Okay .. first of all.. Hymenally challenged people can be have a membrane reconstructed!? That.. is.. so not right. It takes away the seriousness of “once it’s gone you can’t get it back.” But I suppose that goes more with a feeling than a membrane.
This is a very interesting topic. I’m don’t know much about sexual persuasion and activity in Korea. I do know by association that Koreans mostly do NOT believe in sex before marriage.. and just because they hold this moral high individually, does not mean it accounts for them generally I suppose.
As interesting as this topic is.. the last part is what really caught my attention as it pretains to something I’ve talked about alot with other young adults.
Are we oppressed in America by sex? Do we think that the ONLY way to connect with another human being romantically is by sexual experience. Are we good enough in bed to be considered as a partner in love.
But then again are they really any free-er than us with such strict ideals on the affairs of a grown man and woman.
Sex is an amazing thing. I belive that both ways surpress the beauty of the act.
Every thing in moderation. To much or to little can be detrimental to the psyche.
That also rises the question.. what if a korean woman NEVER gets married.. she never gets to experience sex?
Yikes.
Thanks nicole and ch3shyr3_cat. Nothing provokes a good conversation like sexual activity and virginity!
Nicole- i too read some of those articles and bliogs befoer i wrote last night and others. I have to say that after rading them, soething in my gut told me they are not true. i get this often after reading research on social issues, especially sex. There seems to be too many conflicting statstics to believe what people surveyed answer. BUT, because my gut tells me otherwise does not mean that it is not true or at least based on truth.
Here are some intellectual reasons why i question the validity of the research; if folks are having sex as often as they report, how is it possible that boys and girls do not know about birth control? They are incredibly internet savvy here in korea. If one boy/girl has sex and tries out a condom, they will tell others about it. One of the fun things about sex is sharing your experiences with friends. maybe not your mother, Priest or father, but definitely friends. How can more than 50% of folks in their twenties have sex and not know about condoms when they are everywhere here in korea? Not believable to me. It is also suspect at best when i see such a small number of the research participants actually participated. This leads me to beleive that the only ones who replies/particiapted ere those cofortable with discussing sex or had any experience related. Hwo you feel if you were 29 years old and never did naything nore than kissed two boys? As vaue drivenas that may be, i imagine it feels somewhat embarassing tobe an dault and be cluelessor so inexperienced to not be able to hold a conversation. Just a thought.
The other peice about the celebrities wiht bulging bellies. I don ot always buy into what celebrities do, so do teens theory. With american pop culture flodded with the actions of brittany, lindsay and paris doe snot mean that all girl sthier age are having meaningless sex and not waring udnerwear. there may be some trickle down influence but it takes lionger than three years for social change in a country with 300 million people. try changing a school board of twelve and you will see my point.
ch3shyr3_cat, gerat reflections and comemnts. Your last one for several reasons stuck out for me.
“That also rises the question.. what if a korean woman NEVER gets married.. she never gets to experience sex?”
I find it interesting, even funny how when we discuss virginity, it is almsot excelusively about women. We assume that virginity is a ffemale experience only, as if men are having sex with peacocks or squirrels. I am not convinced as many men are getting their first sexual experiences in the military as reported to me because the men here in their twenties have the excact same sexual innocent energy as the women. Sexual niavete is something you can feel walkign down the street, it feels so safe and uninvasive. I never have my sexual guard up here in korea, except sometime sinparts of seoul. And this is when i am in the neighborhoods dominated by ‘foreigners’- white young people. The it fills the air with sexual energy and aggressiveness that is absent in the rest of the country. It is very freeing to not have to deal with al the sexual aggressive energy present in the states. It makes it easier to identify what are my own sexual feelings and energy from that of those in my immediate envirnment; workplace, restaurant, park, coffeeshop, beach, etc. Imiagiine walkign down the steet and not having your body and energy feidl assaulted by the looks and thoughts of others on a daily basis…
“That also rises the question.. what if a korean woman NEVER gets married.. she never gets to experience sex?”
Or what if your SOLE sexual expereience was a one time affair with a prostitute in the military?
OK, i feel like i am saying too much now. I assume my ‘informant’ has exagerated some and has a somehwat skewed vision since she is porbablt one of the virginal statsitics and has strong Catholic views and perspectives. I think sometimes she confuses what she would like things to be versus what they actually are. I have accounted for this in my inner relfections. regardless of the actual statsitics, sexual activity and virginity are so drastcially different here than North amercai, drastcially. That is what i has shaken my thoughts so strongly. Since i have been here, i have thought abotu writing a piece about the lack of sexual energy in adolescents. It is barren. Done for now. I hope our discussion continues, much to share on this kind of topic. The whole area of who is the oppressed really intrigues me.
Peace
michael
Hi Michael, one of the things that helped me a lot as I was reading yesterday was getting a historical perspective. This is a society steeped first in Confucianism then Christianity, both of which stress very strongly the shamefulness of sex before marriage. Until the 60s, marriage was not by choice, and people were married off by their parents as children or teens, specifically that there be as little opportunity as possible for sex before marriage. Once choice started to come into the picture more, and the marriage age increased to mid to late twenties, it is not surprising that more and more people would have sexual experience before marriage.
There are a few reasons why I am thinking of the women’s experience more than the men’s. First, the amount of shame around not being a virgin is very disturbing, and much more so for women than men. There is the preferential abortion of female children, meaning that women have internalised deeply the lie that being a woman is not as good as being a man. The overall statistics of over 50% sex before marriage hide the fact that there is a huge gap between men and women in this regard. Then there are the excuses about sexual aggression because men “have such strong feelings” or “women allure men”. Oh, many more reasons too.
I agree that there are a lot of unanswered questions and that there is still a big difference in many ways between Korean culture and Western culture, in this area and others. There seems to be a gradual erosion though, I wonder if it’s just a matter of time before they become more and more like us?
Thanks nicole. i too did the research fro what i could get on the internet and from real life people in their twenties and thirties.
It is interesting to me how women focus ont he shame of lose their viriginity and leave out the shame men feel for NOT losing their virginity. It is like being the only mae that can’t catch awild boar for the village to eat. The reasons behind it aside, it is the sole gretaest determination of manhood. Silly yes, but still true. i think we also need ot take into account lieing on surveys. men add sexual experiences to make themsleves look good and woemn lie and say less ro the same reason. In the social service field, this is a given and why research on sexual experiences is valued so little in the field. there is no way to acquire accurate statistics, much liek the stats on rape. No way to knwo the real truth because there is so much attached to the responses.
Age as you mentoned is part of the equation but western influence is so great here right now. if it is american, youth think it is great regardless of what the product or person is. they even think paris hilton is somebody. They think Nike is a great company. They think rap is nice. Not meaning they think itisonds nice, sinxe they do ot know what the lyrics say, they think it is about niceness, love and stuff like that because it si american. they wear t-shirts that say all kinds of vulgar things without knwoig what they say but love them because they look american.
I as reflecitng ealrier today on how to describe to a woman what it feel slike when we get turned on and how challnging it is to del awith it. teh best i could come up with was this, funny how you brought up the argument about men having such stroong feelings.
It is like when you are on a three kane highway going 65 mph. Yo see a sign that says there is an exit in two miles whcih is great since you needed to go to the bathroom ten minutes ago. you smartly move over tot he right lane just to be sure you get there without any trouble. at the last minute, you see that the exit is in the left hand side! You try but you can’t get there and hope you can hold it in tillt he next exit. You get some relief by seing there is a reest area in inine miles. you talk yourself through the next ten minutes to not pee in your pants. When you finally get there, there are a bunch of ocnes and signs stating the rest srea is closed fro renovation. next exit nine miles. You get the picture. That is a coon experience for us when we are experiencing somewhat if an erection. teh challenge to not release is downright painful at times. I have spken with other males about this ad they seem to agree to similar experiences.
I am not sharing this to justify any man’s behavior or actions, just some oerspective on how we hormonal/physically experience the eed for release. Just like needing ti urinate but much more intense with much greater satisfaction. plus there is the whole asserting manhood thing involved.
One last rant (for now). I think itis time folks begin to look beyonfd the oppressior and oppressed model for many reasons. One, it asserts that at some point, someone, group or individual, conquered another and therefore is ‘stronger’. second and more imprtant is the fact that every oppressor is opprssed and every group/indidividual is that is oppressed is also part opporessor. tehy cannot exist separately. whiytes cannot oppress blacks wothout also being opprssed by the need and energy required to maintain the oppression. Teh same is true for the rich and the poor, men and women, etc. Thridly, it creates victims. Perosnally, i do not support the concepts of victims or survivors. Victimhood smells of weakness and helplessness, peopel are rarely helpless. This is not about placing blame or guilt on people that are not deserving if such judgemnts. It is about acceptong life is full of undesired experiences that mold and shape us to be who we are and to honor outr spiritual lessons.
It is time to let go of massaging those who are not as privileged financially and politically and honor where they are privileged.
Example: women earn less than men int he workplace, typcially about 20%. BUT women experience pregnancy, childbirth and nursing a child. we will never radiate the way a woman during these natural ife process’. Which wodl you ratehr have, cash or grace?
Example: Jews have to face incredible oppositio on every aspect of their lives from what days they work and break The Ten Commandments to lieing abot t hier religion to acquire and maintain jobs and attian social status. BUT, they are the highest paid groups per capita in the world.
Example: When there is a high level position open, it rarely gets offered to woman. BUT, when there are low-skills jobs avaiable, a woman will almost invariably get hired over a man.
Example: Men hold all the majority of the power positions throughout the world. men also miss out on being a part pf their families and comminuties whiel being “important”. What would you rather do, make corporate decisions or tuck your child in at night?
Again, what i am suggesrting is letting go og the defaukt setting of opporssors and oppressed, it supports nothing energetically and supports whatever strength the ‘oppressor’ already asserts. Emopowering people asserts that they need more power. i assert most folsk have too much power but use it for things that do not beneoft them or the world as a whole.
Rant done. Hope i do not disrespect you or anyone else. Just sharing my perspctive and experiences.
“There seems to be a gradual erosion though…”
i think erosion is the correct word. I do not know if you meant it as a erosion but i think values do get eroded under the names of progress, evolution or civilization. Isn’t it working great in america? (i fall to sarcasm)
Peace,
michael
Dear Michael, you know you can always speak freely with me, how strong your feelings. It’s good to be honest with each other. You always give me more to think about when you share these things.
Yes, I did mean it as an erosion, definitely of the culture and I would say also of the values. “Progress” is at best a mixed blessing. I personally shudder at the total control of choice of one’s marriage partner for the rest of one’s life by parents, and some of the other aspects, but there are enormous costs to promiscuity in every way, as we have thoroughly and painfully learned in our society. It’s sad to see other cultures going down the same road.
“I personally shudder at the total control of choice of one’s marriage partner for the rest of one’s life by parent”
It’s funny because this is the thing i have been thinking about for years, way before korea entered the radar for me. I actually think they(parents) would do a much better job than the we (the clueless ones) ever could. i think there is something extradonary about “pot luck” marriages and how you figure things out because you have to. The violence, lack of love and other issues certainly shed a negative light on this but those exact same issues are present and even more so when men and women choose thoer partners themselves. although i think it can only work in a culture where there is no divorce, otherwise the same take it ir leave it attitude will ruin the concept of adaptation and appreciation through necessity.
Western culture has gotten too comfortable with the mindset of choice and love. We bail on parents, siblings, children, spouses, etc. No sense of honoring what the Divine has given us for us to learn and grow from. We make the choices and play “God” or whatever we call the Source. Lack of choice is one of the things i appreciate most about korea an dasian culture in general. This sense of acceptance and responsibilty for what life is, not how i think it should be, and will alter it till i get what i want because i am the most imprtant piece in the equation. It is the individualistic values that i do not miss at all from the states/west. of course, everything comes with a price- no choice means only one type of food, one kind of teaching and learning and a lack of diversity.
I am not discounting your experiences or parceptions, just i think it is important to remember how new this concept of “i chppse what i want” is and what has happened as a direct result of this mindset. The ego is in charge and rules the indidividual and culture. The efo is in charge of “wants and desires”, not the territory of the Higher Self in an indidvidualistic society. The Higher Self has such a greater focus than what i want and think i need determined by the ego and its constant yearning for more and more, rrgardless of what it is, just more. More space, more sex, more money, more rooms, more food, more attention, more, more, more.
Just somethig to think about. What do i know, i am from jersey? I grew up next to the city that invented more!
Much Peace and Love,
michael
Hmm! Good food for thought, Michael. Let me ponder it for a while. Peace and light!