alcohol
October 2008 
So, Why have You NEVER gotten Married?
Posted on Jun 27th, 2008
by 
michaelsits
michaelsits
This was something i wrote last year and for some reason it felt liek a good time to post on Gaia, not sure why but maybe that will make sense after doing so.
Every time I make a new female friend, I am asked this question. Depending on the place, situation and person, they will get any of a few answers. Yesterday morning during my meditation (shows you just how focused I was!), it came to me to write the real ones. So boys and girls, this is why I have never been married…
There is no single reason, several stages complete the picture and it evolved through maturity or the lack thereof. Ironically, all of my family ASSUMED I would never marry and never told this to me. My mom shared it with me a couple of months before she died. They all thought I was too independent and self-sufficient even as a child to get married. I do not know if I buy that answer but wanted to throw it in the mix before I started rambling.
Stage I: The after-effects of being an ugly teenager.
I had low self-confidence in the area of dating and relationships in my early twenties due to disappointments and rejection as a teen. I was an ugly kid inside and out. It was obvious to any girl that I was angry, miserable and resentful- not attractive qualities. By this period in my life, I began to assume all women thought I was ugly and would reject me. So, I stopped trying in a manner that would bear fruit, or at least the nectar. I actually became OK looking in my twenties but I did not know this, therefore, none of the confidence that typically comes with the package. My response to all of this, and many other factors, were cocaine, alcohol, pot, gambling, crime and self-destruction. Another group of attractive qualities.
There was Laura who I spent three and a half years with and planned to marry but knew I never would. We were the boy and girl both not ready relationship.
Stage II: The after-effects of the after-effects.
Fortunately, I hit a bottom and started on the road back to being a contributing member of society. Unfortunately, this was a slow and dreary process. I was a mess day and night. Another set of unattractive qualities. This lasted into my mid-thirties. I dated many women but really didn’t have my shit together enough for strong, intelligent and healthy women, and too together for the ones whom did not possess these qualities.
Example: Linda. Linda and I were in love, happy and getting along very well. She was strong, intelligent, loving, fun, kind, spiritually committed and a great mother. When some large life challenges came our way, I was not mature or developed enough to handle things and our relationship crumbled. I can own this one. We were the girl ready, boy not ready relationship.
Example: Jenny. Jenny and I met through a bizarre set of circumstances. From the get-go, I had that sinking feeling in my gut that said, “get out now while you still can!” But, my hormones and emotions said, “Don’t you make a move! You will never find another woman this attractive, sexy, intelligent and creative for the rest of your life!” I listened to the hormones first; emotions second and disregarded the gut. I think y’all know how this one is going to go. We soared as high as can be and crashed just as hard and fast. It was new territory for me to be with an adult woman that I was the one with maturity and common sense. Jenny and I were engaged and were going through pre-marriage counseling with the Pastor of the Church we were attending. Then she became violent and all the worst fears my gut told me in the beginning materialized. This was the boy ready, girl not ready relationship.
Stage III: Spiritual Development and its after-effects.
After Jenny I really began to focus on spiritual growth and development as my primary concern. It would appear on the surface that they were cause and effect but only somewhat true. At this point, my life and energy was predominantly guided through Reiki and meditation. This took me down some interesting paths. After a couple of years, one of these paths was a commitment to spiritual celibacy. Gosh, it is hard to type that phrase even now. This period lasted several years, yes years. I do not think I even did any serious flirting, forget sex or dating. This continued until I moved to Madison after my mom passed on in 2002. I was very ripe by then.
Stage IV: The after-effects of Celibacy.
Learning how to flirt and date all over again after celibacy was not an easy process. I imagine that it is analogous to being married for many years. The one difference is that in marriage you are still with a person and at least have experience with some forms of affection and sex. I felt like a born-again virgin or something. When I dated, I was nervous and un-natural. Apparently, this was obvious because women started making all the moves while I was trying to catch up to them. I guess a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do. I am thankful they were all gentle and sensitive with me. Not all of them, one kind-of jumped me by surprise.
Stage V: The after-effects of the after-effects of Celibacy.
The Present! This is where I am now. I feel much more confident with dating, affection and relationships but definitely not cocky. I flirt often, maybe too often. My sex drive is similar to adolescence. My eyes are wide-open and curious what or whom will be next for me. I do not have any real sense about marriage and me. I don’t rule it out but not sure that is who I am. Commitment, yes- marriage, I am not sure. Although, one thing I do know is that the love for and of a woman can throw away all plans and strategies in New York minute. Anybody that has felt that kind of love and passion knows this, even me. Love, companionship and connection trump ideas and rules every time, and that’s the way it should be.
So, that is why I have never been married. Next question…
Every time I make a new female friend, I am asked this question. Depending on the place, situation and person, they will get any of a few answers. Yesterday morning during my meditation (shows you just how focused I was!), it came to me to write the real ones. So boys and girls, this is why I have never been married…
There is no single reason, several stages complete the picture and it evolved through maturity or the lack thereof. Ironically, all of my family ASSUMED I would never marry and never told this to me. My mom shared it with me a couple of months before she died. They all thought I was too independent and self-sufficient even as a child to get married. I do not know if I buy that answer but wanted to throw it in the mix before I started rambling.
Stage I: The after-effects of being an ugly teenager.
I had low self-confidence in the area of dating and relationships in my early twenties due to disappointments and rejection as a teen. I was an ugly kid inside and out. It was obvious to any girl that I was angry, miserable and resentful- not attractive qualities. By this period in my life, I began to assume all women thought I was ugly and would reject me. So, I stopped trying in a manner that would bear fruit, or at least the nectar. I actually became OK looking in my twenties but I did not know this, therefore, none of the confidence that typically comes with the package. My response to all of this, and many other factors, were cocaine, alcohol, pot, gambling, crime and self-destruction. Another group of attractive qualities.
There was Laura who I spent three and a half years with and planned to marry but knew I never would. We were the boy and girl both not ready relationship.
Stage II: The after-effects of the after-effects.
Fortunately, I hit a bottom and started on the road back to being a contributing member of society. Unfortunately, this was a slow and dreary process. I was a mess day and night. Another set of unattractive qualities. This lasted into my mid-thirties. I dated many women but really didn’t have my shit together enough for strong, intelligent and healthy women, and too together for the ones whom did not possess these qualities.
Example: Linda. Linda and I were in love, happy and getting along very well. She was strong, intelligent, loving, fun, kind, spiritually committed and a great mother. When some large life challenges came our way, I was not mature or developed enough to handle things and our relationship crumbled. I can own this one. We were the girl ready, boy not ready relationship.
Example: Jenny. Jenny and I met through a bizarre set of circumstances. From the get-go, I had that sinking feeling in my gut that said, “get out now while you still can!” But, my hormones and emotions said, “Don’t you make a move! You will never find another woman this attractive, sexy, intelligent and creative for the rest of your life!” I listened to the hormones first; emotions second and disregarded the gut. I think y’all know how this one is going to go. We soared as high as can be and crashed just as hard and fast. It was new territory for me to be with an adult woman that I was the one with maturity and common sense. Jenny and I were engaged and were going through pre-marriage counseling with the Pastor of the Church we were attending. Then she became violent and all the worst fears my gut told me in the beginning materialized. This was the boy ready, girl not ready relationship.
Stage III: Spiritual Development and its after-effects.
After Jenny I really began to focus on spiritual growth and development as my primary concern. It would appear on the surface that they were cause and effect but only somewhat true. At this point, my life and energy was predominantly guided through Reiki and meditation. This took me down some interesting paths. After a couple of years, one of these paths was a commitment to spiritual celibacy. Gosh, it is hard to type that phrase even now. This period lasted several years, yes years. I do not think I even did any serious flirting, forget sex or dating. This continued until I moved to Madison after my mom passed on in 2002. I was very ripe by then.
Stage IV: The after-effects of Celibacy.
Learning how to flirt and date all over again after celibacy was not an easy process. I imagine that it is analogous to being married for many years. The one difference is that in marriage you are still with a person and at least have experience with some forms of affection and sex. I felt like a born-again virgin or something. When I dated, I was nervous and un-natural. Apparently, this was obvious because women started making all the moves while I was trying to catch up to them. I guess a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do. I am thankful they were all gentle and sensitive with me. Not all of them, one kind-of jumped me by surprise.
Stage V: The after-effects of the after-effects of Celibacy.
The Present! This is where I am now. I feel much more confident with dating, affection and relationships but definitely not cocky. I flirt often, maybe too often. My sex drive is similar to adolescence. My eyes are wide-open and curious what or whom will be next for me. I do not have any real sense about marriage and me. I don’t rule it out but not sure that is who I am. Commitment, yes- marriage, I am not sure. Although, one thing I do know is that the love for and of a woman can throw away all plans and strategies in New York minute. Anybody that has felt that kind of love and passion knows this, even me. Love, companionship and connection trump ideas and rules every time, and that’s the way it should be.
So, that is why I have never been married. Next question…
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