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July 2009 
What confuses you most about the world?
Posted on Oct 12th, 2008
by 
michaelsits
michaelsits
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for October 12, 2008:
Our society. I do not think all of us are from the same society but not a problem, mine is currrently south korea. I realize before writing this i will be judged harshly for my words and tone. Openmindedness includes those we disagree with and i invite you to not assume i do not understand the popular propaganda and rhetoric about the how and the why.
What confuses me the most is how and why many females are obsessed with their physical appearance and the effort that is put forth to cultivate it. I understad the whole media influence thing but that would suggest that women's obsession with looks began in the last fifty years. We all knwo that is not true. I have heard the arguments that state that this is caused by men. I know very few men who wnat thier parnters to be obsessed with their looks, if any. I do not understand the obsession with thin-ness, what is wrong with curves and truth?. I do not understand the obsession with shoes, they have smelly feet in them. It is like dressing up a bottle of scotch in fancy wrapping paper to make it look pretty, then just sit and get drunk like any other bottle of alcohol. I do not understand how "working out" is considered a spiritual practice, does this mean that women throughout time that did not have psuedo-activities like stairmasters and stationary bikes (why not ride an actual bike and get fresh air and sunshine?) were less spiritually evolved than those who drive motor vehicles to somewhere else to exercise? Push up bras, what is that about? High heels, what is that about part II? Plastic surgery, what is that about part III? Criticizing other women's looks, bodies and fashion, what si that about part IV? Is there anybody who actually buys the whole, "I work out for health and fitness" thing? If that was the case, why alcohol, caffeine, cigarettes, sugars, chocolate? If health is the actual concern, there would be a need for a shift in lifestyle, not waist size.
Again, i am aware of the force and tone, but i do not understand why women continue to do this to each other. Putting such pressure on each other to be skinnier, taller, "tanner" (what is wrong with your skin color that you need to risk cancer to look different?), etc. i just don't get the theory that different = better. Different means different, especially since most men (hetrosexual) appreciate women looking like themselves, the reason we were attracted to you in the first place. because we like you, not your costume and mask.
i am so confused and i get frustrated with the illusions and pretending. Why can't we all just be ourselves?
Access: Public
well, Michael, many women buy the goods that they are sold, that everything about the way we look and smell naturally needs to be altered. Makeup, hair dye, hair streaks, hair-do, perfume, fancy shampoos, hair removal, heels, breast “enhancements”… all a desperate attempt to take the pitiful natural look to an “acceptable” level, maybe even get pretty, because clearly we are unacceptable as is.
I don't buy it and have never bought it, but I have had people (even my ex-partner) implore me at times just to wear “a little” makeup, because I will be even more gorgeous. LOL!
I admit, I have caved in one regard, but not consistently because it bores and annoys me - hair removal. As complacent as I feel about moving through the world without makeup or hair colouring or special diets, I feel uncomfortable in a skirt or God forbid a bathing suit with hairy legs, and we all know that facial hair is anathema, horribly ugly. :(
So, extrapolating from that, I can imagine how most women feel about going out without makeup or a “do” (I run my fingers through my curls for a few seconds after washing my hair so it doesn't look impossible, but that's about it, besides the twice-yearly haircut).
The feeling of “not-ok” is visceral I think, far from superficial. Like the wrongness you would feel handling raw meat and then going to do something else without thoroughly washing your hands.
what does visceral mean nicole?
a gut feeling, not volitional.
Where do you think that kind of visceral reaction comes from? It has been with women for as long as we have worn clothes i think, although i am not sure that statement is true.i know many folks “blame” this on oppression, i do not buy it. Black folks do not spend day and night finding ways to embrace oppression, latinos do not spend day and night finding ways to embrace oppression. When i feel oppressed, take string steps move away from what is the oppressive relationship, not towards it (at least usually). Meaning, if i felt people were not respecting me because they thought i was stupid, i would not spend time proving i am stupid. i would work on being smarter or refuting their claims. i would not spend money, time and energy supporting their claims.
Side note, the body hair thing with women is an interesting one that you mention nicole. Personally, i appreciate women who do and do not shave their body hair but find that women who do, are vehemently agitated by women who don't, present company excluded. As if women have always shaved thier body hair, which of course is silly since there wasn't a means to do so until fairly recent times. What do you think that specific fashion choice is the cause of such strong reactions?
these reactions are always learned behavior of course. We're not born with shame over the way we look and smell but we learn it very, very well through our society. As you probably know, women in many parts of Europe are not socialised as heavily as we are here in North America about the shaving, but I hear that in Israel it's just as bad or worse. Shame and guilt are deeply corrosive emotions and usually lie deeper than the ones we consciously explore. I'm not sure why growing up in this society I never took the lies about makeup and high heel torture and such seriously though. It may have been at least partly because I had a familial “counter-culture” in my older sisters, our family of origin has a profound effect on what we consider shame and blame-worthy. This is a tortured nest of worms, Michael. I'm grateful for the opportunity to discuss it.
Thank you for sharing nicole. I was very apprehensive about posting what i wrote on Q&A and considered deleting it, still am a day later. i was also feeling anxious before making any comments. This is one of those subjects that women are allowed to say what they want but men are not. We are not permitted to have opinions on any subjects related to women's appearance except to tell you how good you look without objectifying you, which is pretty funny to me all by itself. Objectification is good when requested but demeaning when occurring naturally.
This really is a tortured nest of worms nicole, well put. There is so much tied into this stuff that is almost taboo to speak about, maybe more so than things like pedaphellia and masturbation in many ways. Folks tend to take things so personal and defensive.
The dialogue continues…
i think it's sad that we feel there are things we cannot discuss. we need more talk, truer talk, not more hiding, if we are to become all we are. thank you for daring though you were doubtful of the reaction. everyone has a right to his or her own thoughts and feelings.
you're right, anything tied into guilt and shame can be perilous, but that's why we have to find respectful and constructive ways to work them through together.
This is one of the true benefits of online conversation, the ability to take the time needed to make sure you say what needs to be said respectfully and without defensive reactions. If only it was easy in the 3-d world.
it's challenging in the real world but it must be possible. Isn't it? I am thinking about my next blog, I think it's going to be about real freedom.
It is possible, history has much evidence of this. social programming is so forceful these days, a real obstacle. we are so focused on me and my feelings and my needs and my comfort. It is seductive and destructive and divisive and…
Poop psychology, self-help books and New Age thought support the me, me, me mentality. this is especially true for a great deal of the thought process into women's studies and programming on how to be free/empowered. Often empowerment is a code word for “all about me” and “me first” mindset. I know this directly challenges some positive movement but that doesn't make it OK or supportive of long-term positive shifts culturally.
let me know when you post your blog on real freedom please.
thanks, michael, i appreciate that. i promise, i will let you know.
i hear you about the me me me. a serious obstacle to real growth.
I just noticed i wrote poop psychology instead if pop psychology, hummm, i wonder how that happened? The subconscious mind is a tricky one.
me, me,me- what a great title for a blog!
yes, I noticed the poop psychology, seemed very appropriate LOL!
seems to me I read a blog here a while back with that title by Centria. But maybe I just dreamed it :)
poop psychology would also be a fun title for a blog